Monday, May 11, 2015

A Message from a Bereaved Dad

Today I'm giving the page over to another writer. This a message from a father regarding the precious daughter he lost a number of years ago. This is an important message, folks.

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Today marks an anniversary of one of the greatest gifts I was ever blessed with. Today would have been my daughter Meg’s eighteenth birthday. 

I had many nicknames for her: Meg, Meggo, Magoo (which morphed into “Goot”, which she hated), Sweet Pea (which she liked), and often, “the Amazing Meg”. Perhaps it’s a father’s pride, but Meg was, quite simply, the most amazing person I have ever known. I am very proud of all of my children, but Meg was unique in her pursuit of excellence in everything she did. She wasn’t always “the best”, but she was pretty darned good at anything and everything she tried, and she tried almost everything. She was good at everything she did because, no matter what was at hand, she gave it her all. 

As most of you know by now, Meg passed away almost a year and a half ago. I “hear from her” now and then, in the song of a bird, or the twinkle of a star, a tune on the radio, or the laughter of a little girl in a pretty dress in springtime. She helped me finish nursing school, she helped me find a job, and she’s helping me be a better man in so many ways. Many have said to me “I don’t know how you do it (deal with the grief)” or “I can’t imagine what you are going through”, and that’s a good thing, because it’s something no parent should ever need to understand or have to go through. We do, because we must. That’s the simple answer. There is no acceptable alternative. 

Such a tragic ending cannot be allowed without something of value to be learned, something to help others, something to prevent such loss from happening to someone else. I wanted to share a few things I have learned or maybe re-learned.

1. Time is limited, so make the most of it. We cannot know when “our time is up” or when we will lose those dear to us. Get after that “bucket list” now, not when you are too old or too broke or too tired. Try to enjoy every moment because there are only so many….
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2. MAKE the time to let those you love know you love them. Drop the grudges. Be first to apologize. Be first to forgive.
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3. Given the choice between “enjoying life” and “making a few extra bucks”, choose “enjoying life”. That doesn’t mean call out sick to binge watch “House of Cards”, but if a unique opportunity presents itself, take it!


4. Love your family (seriously?!?) Sounds like a no brainer, and I know you do, but what I mean is take a moment to just look at them and enjoy the wonderful people they are. Acknowledge their flaws (to yourself and without dwelling on them), but more importantly, appreciate their strengths and help them build on them. If you were building a house, you’d want a good, strong foundation and go up from there, same with a family. Fix and reinforce the foundation and build.

5. Believe. You are not alone in this world. I am convinced more than ever of a higher power in this world. Common themes of love, kindness, forgiveness and giving are universal to all faiths. Focus a little more on the spirit of the message and less on the letters in the message… jmho….

6. Clinical depression is an illness, not a weakness, and is just as serious and can be just as deadly as cancer or heart disease. It is also far more common than we realize. One in twenty teens will suffer major depression at some point. Too often the tendency is to simply medicate. I can tell you personally that strategy can have fatal consequences. Treating depression with Prozac alone is like trying to build a house using only a screwdriver. It can be a useful tool, in conjunction with others, but by itself is often ineffective (or worse)

7. And finally: GIVE. The support we have received from friends and family and the community has been tremendous, and it is amazing how a simple card, a hug, or a plate of pumpkin bars can lift the spirit when the heart hangs low. If you see or know of someone going through a hardship, reach out. It DOES make a difference! Small efforts can be huge helps. Don’t worry that now “might not be a good time”, it might actually be a great time. Just be understanding if the other party can’t receive your intentions as you would have liked. Remember that they are the ones going through the hardship and might not have the clearest of minds at that moment. Find peace in making the effort, it IS the thought that counts!

Through the generosity of friends and family, we have established a memorial fund to honor Meg. Among the goals of the fund is to advance awareness of depression among teens and advance the spirit of kindness and caring in our community. A key part of this is the a memorial scholarship in her name, which is issued annually to Goshen seniors who demonstrate several of the same traits Meg had, such as academic achievement with an interest in sports, languages, music, theater, or volunteerism, but above all, have consistently displayed exceptional kindness and caring for their fellow students and community. 

Last year we awarded two $1,000 scholarships to two amazing young women and look forward continuing this spirit of giving. This fund is now facilitated by The Community Foundation of Orange and Sullivan. Please consider including the Meghan Sager Memorial Fund in your charitable contributions. Thank you! 
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9 Comments:

At 8:17 AM, Blogger Tom Degan said...

Again, all off-topic comments will be immediately deleted. Don't even bother. This one is sacred.

 
At 8:48 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

This breaks my heart. We lost our 18-year-old nephew to depression 11 years ago...It shattered our family...I'm so sorry for your loss...

 
At 2:01 PM, Anonymous HarleyA said...

I personally resonate with point 4 especially... It is easy to be so focused on "raising" our children that we fail to enjoy them and let them know how much we enjoy them. I'm probably guilty... I'm learning that wisdom in parenting seems to come too late (or feels that way) - maybe that's why we have grandparents. And, why grandparents tend to simply enjoy the grandkids (and we give them grief for it). Maybe there is some deep wisdom in that...

 
At 10:24 AM, Blogger Unknown said...

I needed to read this, thank you so much for sharing. My mom died in January, she had been my legal defendant for over a decade so when she died I felt like I'd lost a mom and a child. I know it's not the same but I've just felt gutted since it happened. I've been trying to pull myself out of it but it's been a minute-to-minute struggle. Your posting reminded me that I've still got a family (husband and 2 boys) that I need to concentrate on. When you loose part of your world it's hard not to get caught up in how much you miss them rather than concentrate on what you still have, and I'm sure you went through this but the at you've channeled your grief into something so positive. Thank you.

 
At 2:59 PM, Blogger De_Bill said...

The pain felt at the loss of a loved one lessens over time, as the memories of your time together start coming to you more often than the memory of the loss, but regrets never fade.
We need to take the time to make sure the people we care about the most know what they mean to us while we can.

 
At 5:03 AM, Blogger Tom Degan said...

Late one night last summer (July 28) I found myself wide awake at 2:00 in the morning - not an unusual state for me to be in. At 2:30 I decided to take a drive just to clear my mind. I found myself in a little parking area on Minisink Trail, adjacent to the sports field of the local Catholic high school. I got out of the jeep and propped myself on the hood of the vehicle, staring up at the universe before me, smoking a cigarette, and not thinking of anything in particular.

All of the sudden, my reverie was jolted by the sight of a meteorite whizzing across the sky.

"WOW!" I said out loud, "That was so beautiful - but it was too brief."

At that moment a bell went off in my mind: Ah! Who does that remind you of, Degan?

On my way back home, I was unable to get that metaphor out of my head. I went inside the house and made my way upstairs. Before retiring for the rest of the night, I entered the little office across the hall from my bedroom and wrote these words down in my notebook:

"She was the personification of a shooting star. It appears upon the horizon, rapidly making its way across the night sky, illuminating the heavens in a brilliant and beautiful light. Then, in an instant, it's gone."

That's Miss Meghan to me.

 
At 8:37 PM, Blogger TLP said...

We lost our only son to depression almost 24 years ago. He was 26.

People still tell me that they think of him often, and that's music to my ears.

 
At 5:12 PM, Blogger Yiskah said...

💜💫

 
At 1:41 PM, Blogger Caringfriend said...

I’ve known the same family for a long time and they are an amazing family and I couldn’t imagine the grief that they’re going through. It’s a post like this that will bring such a tragic event to a crossroads to help other people. I’ve had the pleasure of having Mrs Sager as a second grade teacher and one of the best teachers that I’ve ever had. Wow I didn’t know their daughter in knowing both parents and the family she must’ve been an amazing young woman. Rest In Peace. ❤️❤️❤️

 

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