Jammin' with the Dickster

What a festival of laughs 2009 has proven to be - and to think that it's not even over yet! The rib-tickling, unintentional humor that has been provided to us in the last year courtesy of the extreme right has been more fun than the law should allow. It hasn't been the most fascinating political year - not by a long shot - but it has, without a doubt, been the most fun. There are so many contenders for the title, Jackass of the Year, it might in the end prove difficult, if not impossible, to categorize them. Which brings me to the topic of Dick Cheney.

Back in January, as the First Fool's reign of error was winding down, for a curious reason I may never be able to explain, I was feelin' kinda blue. Soon Dickie and Dubya and the entire Bush Mob would be out of my life - FOREVER! Say what you want to about that hideous duo, they made for great copy. What the hell was I going to do when they were gone? I would probably have to go out and get a real job. Oh, curse you, fate! Wicked, wicked fate!

As it turns out, there's been more material than ever to write about. The Clown Army is on the march and our old nemesis, Dastardly Dick Cheney, is leading the charge. Isn't life beautiful? Forgive me, sweet, blessed fate.

Remember when Bush "chose" Cheney to be on the ticket nine, long years ago? In actuality, it was Cheney who chose Cheney. Poppy Bush charged his former Secretary of Defense with the mission of finding a suitable running mate for his half-witted kid. After a vigorous and detailed "search", Dick came back with the stats: As it turned out, he was the best person qualified to run with Junior as V.P. candidate. Almost three years ago I imagined the conversation that must have taken place:

The Dickster: GEORGE! I have found your ideal running mate!

Dubya: Great! Who is it, Dick?

The Dickster: You're not gonna believe it - IT'S ME!!!

Dubya: Whoa! What're the odds!

I have always believed that it was a perfect illustration of the utter stupidity of Bush and the people around him that they swallowed all of this without batting an eye. And do you remember the term that all of the talking heads and pundits were using to describe Cheney when Bush made this fateful decision? He had "gravitas", they chimed. Gravitas. The story keeps getting funnier with every passing moment of historical hindsight. Gravitas indeed.

EXTRA! DEGAN COMPLIMENTS BUSH!!!

Yeah, I never thought it would come to this either. But credit must be given where credit is due; and the fact is that the former president has behaved (on the surface at least) fairly admirably since he left office. For the most part, and unlike most of his former colleagues, he has avoided the temptation to be hysterical on the subject of the Obama White House. Then again, it must be conceded that when one has presided over the most failed and corrupt administration in the history of the republic, it usually is a good rule of thumb to keep your mouth shut. Cheney, on the other hand, is without shame. This is precisely what makes the man such a scream!

His most recent kvetch? Obama was "dithering" on Afghanistan. Dithering? Pray tell, do my ears deceive me? Barack Obama was "dithering" on whether or not to send an additional thirty-five thousand kids into harms way? He dithered???

Oh! Dastardly Dick! Oh! Vile, deceitful Dickie! If thou had thus dithered, might not thy fellow countrymen and women have awaken this morn to a more content and peaceable homeland? Oh, vile and blundering Dick! Naughty Dick! Thou contemptible rascal!

If you read my last piece, it's no secret that it is my profound belief that Obama is committing a monumental mistake by escalating the war in Afghanistan. But let's give the guy a tip of the hat, okay? At least he had the good sense to think long and hard about what he felt he needed to do - unlike the previous administration that dove head-first and smiling into this stupid, fucking quagmire. In spite of my criticism, I believe (I hope) that Barack Obama is essentially a decent guy who means well. As stated previously, it is way too early to give an etched-in-stone assessment of this administration. We need to see where Election Day 2012 finds us. We shall see what we shall see.

At the moment it would seem that Dick Cheney and his disgusting daughter Liz are Number One on the Shit Parade. The darling girl is now promoting a movement ( and, PUH-LEEZ, I hope this is true) that would make dear old dad the GOP nominee in 2012. This can't possibly be, can it? Optimist though I may be, my luck has never gotten this good! Could this merely be a dream from which I am yet to awake? Pinch me, please.

Is a Cheney Candidacy in 2012 really in the cards? Probably not. Given his precarious health, it's not very likely that he will even live to see the next election. But then again, nearly three years ago - on this very site - I wrote a piece called, "Richard B. Cheney 1941-2007" where I predicted that he would not even live to see the '08 election. I wasn't hoping for him to die (cross my heart, I wasn't!) it was simply that, given his history of heart attacks, I was just being realistic - or so I thought at the time.

But like the imaginary science fiction screenplay I've written about the man "The Thing That Wouldn't Go Away", he remains - tormenting the daylights out of us for as long as his precarious mortality will allow.

Wretched Richard!

What we have here is one of those mixed-blessing kind of moments. Dick Cheney won't be going away anytime soon, of that you may be certain. And as long as he remains at the extreme-right-of-center-stage of this extremely amusing review, I think I just might stick around for the show. It is the type of scenario destined to provide truckloads of joy for progressives all over the country: Cheney and Sarah Palin, ripping each other to bloody shreds in the primaries of 2012. Can you even imagine what fun that would be to watch?

This is why President Obama's utter timidity in dealing with the Republicans in Congress is so damned frustrating. He obviously spends a hell of a lot of time thinking about the next election - when it is plain to see that he has not a thing to worry about! The "party of Lincoln" is falling apart. Ronald Reagan is dead and he's not going to rise from the grave at midnight tonight to lead them back to the promise land. There is no golden boy/girl on the horizon who will be able to miraculously restore their national credibility between now and then. The GOP has been overtaken by a cabal of criminals and halfwits. With each passing day, this reality is becoming clearer and clearer to the American people. The Grand Old Party (for the time being at least) is over. Kaput.

I'm all for a Cheney candidacy in three years. If the man's health can hold out and given the direction that party seems hellbent on going, Dead Eye Dick is the right wing's made-to-order candidate. They can count on me - not only for a vigorous endorsement - but for a cash donation as well. And while we're at it, let's make things really interesting and throw Michele Bachmann into the mix!

And you thought 2008 was interesting? 2012 ought to be a hoot!

Tom Degan
tomdegan@frontiernet.net

AFTERTHOUGHT 12/11/09:

A few nights ago on Sean Hannity's moronic FOX Noise program, Cheney actually accused President Obama of giving "aid and comfort" to America's enemies and called his the most "radical" administration in American history. Medications please.