Bad Craziness in Alabamy
|Well now, isn't that precious!|
Dey got guns!
All God's chill'en got guns!
The Marx Brothers
from Duck Soup (1933)
Oh I come from Alabama with an Uzi on my knee....
Here's another piece of information that should come as no surprise: The homicidal nincompoops at the National Rifle Association believe that armed-to-the-teeth kids is a perfectly wonderful idea. Ain't that a riot?
This I can say without a molecule of uncertainty: Keeping dear old Dixie in the union was not worth the six-hundred and twenty-four thousand lives it cost to keep her here; it's not even close. Don't get me wrong, I still love Abe Lincoln, but jeez Louise!
I know it sounds like I'm being cruel. Disparaging the South is just about as bad as making fun of a severely retarded person - they're just so touchingly pathetic. I'm not trying to imply that most Southerners are dumb; I really do hope that that's not the case. The problem is the people who vote - or most of them anyway. The seven politicians who are sponsoring these guns-for-tots laws are all the proof you need to understand the intellectual limitations of your average voter in Alabama. My theory is that this is what should be expected when generations of folks marry their first cousins.
If these proposed bills become law way down yonder - and I have no reason to doubt that they will - Alabama will overnight become the most dangerous state in America in which to live. There's a dandy reason why children are barred by law from operating motor vehicles: They simply lack judgement. Who can be sure that some ten-year-old kid won't plug the mailman one fine, sunny day for "trespassing" on the family porch? Kids resolve conflict any way they can. Are we to expect an epidemic of child-on-child gun violence in the state of Alabama? Will that be the next norm in that moronic region of the country? You'd better believe it. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe there will be a miracle and intelligent people will prevail - assuming there are any down there. But the fact that a law arming children was even proposed to begin with should make the rest of us wonder.
You don't like your fourth grade teacher? She's a bit cranky and way too heavy on the homework? You know what to do, sonny. Time to take matters into your own hands. Problem solved! Now wasn't that easy?
My goodness, this is going to get interesting! If this mind-jarringly stupid law is passed I'll learn to contently live with it. Besides, I haven't been to Alabama in exactly thirty years (May of '85) and I don't plan on going back any time soon. As I've said before, the lower this country sinks into the sociological shit hole, the higher my stock rises. For satiric reasons alone, the horrific results of a state packed to the rafters with little kids walking around armed and dangerous should prove quite amusing. Murder and mayhem lead to many things; writer's block is not one of them. For my purposes, that nasty little scenario works out very well indeed. Thank you, Alabama.
I just found this posting on Craigslist:
"You southerners always have - by far - the highest rates of obesity, teen pregnancy, binge drinking, smoking, divorce, crime, pollution, and illiteracy. Your bad habits drive up healthcare costs for the rest of America. Of course, we up north have been supporting "y'all" since reconstruction, but all you send us in return is acid rain, guns, tobacco, and "family values" laws....and you hate us for helping you, just like you hate blacks, hate gays, hate Muslims, hate immigrants, hate anyone not exactly like you."
Sorry, but it needs to be said.
Here is a link to the Jameson Parker piece from Addicting Info that inspired this little ditty of mine: