The Kiddie Casket Boom of 2022

 

Assault weapons be danged. There is a new business possibility and fortune to be made by any ambitious young entrepreneur out there with a little guts and a whole lotta of moxie. The idea hit me the other day when I pondered how strange it must be to work for a coffin manufacturing firm when it receives a massive, bulk order of pint-sized coffins for tots. Of course, I greedily expostulated! Given the times in which we live, and the almost no-brainer certainty that the massacres that have polluted the American landscape are not going to go away any time soon, why not make a sound, monetary investment in the carnage! I hereby announce the formation of the Kiddie Kasket Kompany - KKK - Perfect! How's this for a cute little radio jingle?

"A-tisket, a tasket, 

We got your kiddie's kasket!"

A tad morbid, I know, but what the heck. This is the new reality in the USA, folks. Why not take advantage of a situation that can only metastasize in the not-so-long-run? And, I must correct myself: this "new reality" is not very "new " at all. The Sandy Hook massacre was almost a decade ago. The Columbine school shootings were over twenty years ago! If this nasty reality is "new" at all, then so are 8-Track tapes and Bean Bag chairs. 

ANNOUNCEMENT: 

I will donate ten thousand bucks each to the campaigns of the first twelve candidates who can assure me that the gun laws in this doomed nation are never going to change (Sorry, but that is all I can afford at this moment in time). In fact, if they can promise me that the gun laws in Idiot Nation are going to get looser as time goes by, I'll throw in a couple thousand extra. I only realized yesterday what geniuses the folks over at the National Rifle Association are! As the old adage tells us, If you can't beat 'em, join 'em, ay? Somebody tell Ted Cruz that if he wants my business he'd better damned well keep blaming school doors as being the problem. That's right, kids. Ted says the fault of the carnage lies with The Doors. People are strange.

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So who's with me? I'm selling shares in my new company for a hundred bucks a pop. That's a bargain basement deal, my friends! It may very well be blood money, but it's as green as mucus, ladies and gentlemen! A sound investment in the Kiddie Kasket Kompany will eventually pay for that luxury yacht and private jet plane you've always craved. It will send your darling children to the finest private schools in the nation - the same type of schools where the use of our kiddie kaskets will never be part of the equation, you know what I mean??? The number of massacred kids is only bound to go through the freakin' roof in the days, weeks, months and years ahead! For the sake of your financial well being in the future, this is an opportunity you cannot miss!

Tom Degan

Goshen, NY

SUGGESTED VIEWING:

Here is a very funny and instructional scene from Michael Moore's Bowling For Columbine. The entire documentary can be rented on YouTube - or you can purchase it for a song on Amazon.com.

(12) Bowling for Columbine (2002) - A Brief History of the United States Scene (8/11) | Movieclips - YouTube

Highly recommended.

AFTERTHOUGHT, June 1, 7:46:

The first of the dead are starting to be laid to eternal rest in Uvalde, Texas. They won't be needing the Kiddie Kasket Kompany after all. Never mind.

Kittie Kaskets Galore!