My Letters from the Trumps

One of the joys of my vocation is the idiotic emails I receive from all over the world. A few months ago, some joker put me on the Trump campaign's mailing list. Whether this was done in a humorous vain or out of pure spite is hard to tell. Whatever the reason, I do get a kick out of reading them. One thing that is revealed is the contempt that these clowns have for the intelligence of their base of supporters. The fact that anyone with an IQ above fifty would fall for such utter nonsense is puzzling. Here are a few choice examples:

From Donald Trump:

Tom,

I just saw our new Trump-Reagan Commemorative Coin Sets and WOW, these coins are beautiful - I took one look and immediately knew that I wanted YOU to have a set.

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These aren’t any ordinary coins, Tom. They symbolize an important time in our Nation. This year, in addition to being re-elected as YOUR President, it also marks the 40th anniversary of our Nation’s 40th President, Ronald Reagan.

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Unfortunately, we already sold out of the first batch we had in stock. But I liked these coins so much that I asked my team to rush order another batch for my TOP SUPPORTERS ONLY.

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I’ve authorized a very limited production of these iconic coins, which is why I’m ONLY offering them to our top supporters, like YOU.

This offer is NOT available to the general public, so please, do NOT share this email with anyone.

 

Dear Donald,

 

It'll be our little secret.

 

Tom 

`
From Junior:

Tom,

Why haven’t you accepted my Father’s invitation to join the Official Trump VIP Club?
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 The Trump VIP Club is a highly exclusive, invite-only group of my father’s most trusted supporters. So, when he asked me who I thought we should invite to join, I immediately thought of Tom from New York.
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You’ve always been one of the President’s most loyal allies, which is why, for a short time, when you make your next contribution, you’ll automatically reach VIP Status and cement your name in history as a member of the Trump VIP Club.
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This offer is only valid until 11:59 PM TONIGHT. If you fail to join, you might not get another chance.
`

Donald Trump, Jr.
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Dear, Junior,

Honestly, dude, I've got better things to waste my Time on and spend my money on. Nice try, though.

From son Eric:

 

This is your FINAL NOTICE, Tom.

 

So far, we've emailed you 4 times inviting you to join the Trump Presidential Honor Roll. Team Trump emailed you, my wife Lara emailed you, my brother Don Jr. emailed you, AND President Trump emailed you.

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We’ve done everything we can to get you to join this prestigious group, and now I’m reaching out to let you know that this is your LAST CHANCE.

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I’m holding your spot for the NEXT 3 hours. After that, your offer will permanently EXPIRE and you will no longer be considered for a spot on the Honor Roll.

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My father is counting on YOU, Tom. Don’t let him down.

`

Eric

Sure, Eric. The check is in the mail.

Tom

From Lara Trump (Eric's wife):

Tom, Where have you been?

I just found out that you STILL haven’t accepted your invitation to join the Trump 100 Club and I wanted to reach out to give you one more chance to join.

Because you’ve always been such a loyal Patriot in the past, I’ve been authorized to EXTEND your offer until 11:59 PM TONIGHT.

After tonight, your offer may be given to the next supporter in line who’s ready to fight for their President.

My husband, Eric, joined, Don Jr. joined, and so did Alex from Wisconsin! We’re just waiting on you now, Tom.

Lara

Dear Lara,

You have  seriously weird taste in men. Are you aware of that?

Sincerely,
Tom

 

I got another, rather testy email from Eric Trump this morning:

 

This isn't like you, Tom. How do you want to be remembered?

...

As a Patriot who fought to Keep America Great? Or as an un-American Liberal who stood idly by as Radical Democrats ripped our Nation apart?

 

Team Trump just informed me that you haven’t accepted my father’s offer to join the Trump 100 Club, and I have to admit, I’m pretty disappointed.

 

Trump 100 Club Members are going to be the ones President Trump relies on when he needs the advice of REAL Americans. He’ll be counting on YOUR feedback to represent the views of millions of voters.

 

I will hold your spot open until 11:59 PM TONIGHT before it is PERMANENTLY RESCINDED.

 

Eric Trump

 

Dear Eric,

 

I would prefer to be remembered as an un-American Liberal who stood idly by as Radical Democrats ripped our Nation apart.

 

Love,

Tom Degan

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Please bear in mind that all of these emails arrived in my inbox in the last forty-eight hours. Each of them came with a demand for donations. My life has gotten quite interesting.

Tom Degan
Goshen, NY