My luck. How did it get so good? "Fortuitous" doesn't even come close to defining it. Ted Cruz's candidacy is the best news I've had since the moment I learned that the Bay City Rollers had disbanded. This, of course, is no surprise - in fact I predicted on this site two years ago that Ted would make a run for the Big House in 2016. It was obvious to me that this idiot had such a high opinion of himself, that he really believed he was fit for the job. And I do not believe this to be a cynical attempt to "up his brand" so to speak; he is in it for the long haul. That is what makes the very existence of Ted Cruz such a knee-slapping delight: He takes himself so seriously! And don't think the American people won't be naive enough to elevate a half-witted yahoo from the Lone Star State to the presidency. Just in case it slipped your mind, it has happened before. I don't really need to rehash the ugly details here, do I?
Ted Cruz is a satirist's delight. He requires little (if any) effort. All one has to do is quote the demented little freak verbatim and - HEY PRESTO - instant satire! Here, I'll show you what I mean:
"If you look at other nations that have gone down the road towards gay marriage, that’s the next step of where it gets enforced. It gets enforced against Christian pastors who decline to perform gay marriages, who speak out and preach biblical truths on marriage, that has been defined elsewhere as hate speech, as inconsistent with the enlightened view of government."
You see what I'm talking about? With Ted Cruz hogging such a huge portion of the national limelight, these things literally write themselves! Should he ever make it to the White House, I'll be the most tickled person on the planet. Can you imagine how delightfully weird something like a Cruz administration would be? As mind-jarringly stupid as George W. Bush was, old Ted is starting to make the hideous little frat boy look like Albert Einstein. I know it's unnatural to wish for something as horrible as that, but since the American people are hellbent on self-destruction anyway, we might as well have a nice giggle as we descend into the abyss. Ain't politics the livin' end?
In the 2008 campaign, only one of the candidates of the two major political parties was born in the United States - Barack Obama. John McCain was born in Panama. And yet it was the black guy whose qualifications were brought into question - at least in your minds - although I'm sure that was just a coincidence (NUDGE! NUDGE! WINK! WINK!) Since you tea-partiers have gotten twisted up into such a comical snit over the birthplace of the president of the United States from the moment he announced his candidacy in 2007, I'm wondering how you're going to react to the news that Ted Cruz was born in Canada? Unlike your allegations against Barack Obama (Born in Kenya? REALLY???) Ted's place of birth is beyond dispute. He even went through the trouble of "renouncing" his Canadian citizenship a couple of years ago! I've got a feeling that the very real origins of Ted Cruz's birth aren't going to make much of a difference to you folks this time round. Call it a silly hunch on my part.
And can you imagine the howl these idiotic right-wingers would have made had Barack Obama's dad been one of the insurgents who overthrew the Batista regime in Cuba in 1959 and placed Fidel Castro into power? Well that's the history of Ted's father, Raul! He was one of the Rough Riders who went charging up the figurative San Juan Hill with Castro in the lead! He claims that he had no idea of Castro's communist leanings at the time - and I take him at his word. Back in the Fabulous Fifties, even the State Department wasn't sure where Fidel's politics were at.
Now, I realize that only an idiot would would even bother to bring these trivial things up in a campaign - that's why you can bet the farm that Ted's opponents will be sure to raise these issues during next year's GOP primaries. In case you haven't noticed, the collective IQ of that disgusting party has gone downhill just a wee bit since the days of Eisenhower. How's that for understatement?
”The willingness to say all those crazy things is a rare, rare characteristic in this town, and you know what? It’s every bit as true now as it was then. We need a hundred more like Jesse Helms in the U.S. Senate.”
By the way, just to give you an idea where this twit is coming from, of all the places across the country from which could have inaugurated his campaign, he did it from Liberty University in Lynchburg, Virginia, the college that was founded by another famous racist, the late Jerry Fallwell. That's not unlike Ronald Reagan, who announced his candidacy in 1980 from Philadelphia, Mississippi, a completely unremarkable little stain on the map whose only claim to fame was the murders there of three civil rights workers in the summer of 1964. Nice.
Whatever happens in the next year-and-a-half, I'm all dressed up for the ride. It's gonna be oodles of fun watching Ted and Jeb tear each other to shreds in the primaries. And if Cruz is denied the nomination at the convention next summer, who wants to make a wager that he throws a wrench into the GOP's finely oiled machine by launching a third party uprising? I wouldn't put it past the guy; he seems intent on destroying the Republican party.
GO FOR IT, TEDDY BOY!
The Seven Dumbest Things Ted Cruz Ever Said:
From our friends over at AlterNet. Here's to you, Ted!
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart:
UPDATE 3/31/15, 1:30 PM:
This is pretty funny. Some joker out there just put me on Ted Cruz's mailing list:
My fellow conservative, I need your immediate help.
I've launched an aggressive fundraising drive to meet our goal, and we must perform well. Can I count on you?
A gent from Tennessee by the name of Rob Waggoner just left this comment on my Facebook page:
"Going forward please only refer to him as Raphael Eduardo Cruz, since so many are hellbent on referring to our President as Barack HUSSEIN Obama."
Interesting idea, Rob. What goes around, ay?